Monday, July 03, 2006

To Be 3 or NottoBe?

Hello! My first goes....this may be very therapeutic for husband is ready for #3 and i am obsessing about whether or not to add a third child to my family---which makes me seem like i have any control over the matter? i know, but I am not totally convinced that i should tread on this subject lightly--ugh. Should i just throw caution to the wind and just see if God blesses us here or should i continue to knit pick my life and self apart as to all the what if's that a new child could bring? Any of the moms out there know that we all checked our control and picked up our bag of vulnerability the moment we held that first little (big) miracle in our arms...and we are never the same. Never. Sometimes, the loss that I feel when looking in my shadow of the person i once was can become overwhelming and i long for some sense of weight in my life....not that i don't know how important mothering is BUT (as in any job) you need to see some productivity every once in awhile, you know.......validation that what it is you are doing matters. These little people just take and take and can leave you feeling a little empty until they crawl up in your arms to "snuggle mama" or repeat every word you say as they are trying to learn new vocabulary, or the way they seem to run everywhere even if what they want is only two feet away---they are life----a ball of it.
The truth is, the most rewarding days i have are when it's just me and them barefoot in our little fenced in backyard swinging on the swings and playing in the blow up pool....watching the birds at the feeder and trying to catch the butterflies and making mud birthday cakes or cutting paper dolls........i can't put my finger on IT but......isn't that what IT's all about.......................I am truly in love with my husband (which is rare anymore, i know) and I have been very blessed with a little girl who will be 5 next week and a little man almost 2. They are beautiful, healthy children, and are lucky to have a very hands on daddy who would love to bring one more into our home (his words, "i feel like there is one more that we haven't welcomed into our home yet") Awww, i know, but why am i real reason........except that i am which is reason in itself---ugh---maybe it's the two year sentence of fat prego and nursing that is bugging me or the terrible twos or potty training or the awesome responsibility that comes with each little person you are praying turn into civil human beings? who knows but i have it---hesitation....
So what's one more? =0) we'll see..............................maybe it's the idea of a full house with more laughter, more tears, and more support that only comes in the form of family? Somebody has to give them the gift of each other? Mom?
Ohhhh---what to do, what to do? I'll keep you posted.

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Brooks, "You're My Everything!"...